Female Contraception virginity

When I was about 16, and probably as far from losing my virginity as Sister Wendy – the talking catholic horse who presented art documentaries during our youth, remember? – I went along with a group of friends on a sort of fertility field trip. One of our hair mascara-ed, dungaree clad, orthodontic group was finally having sex and so had decided to go to the family planning clinic. In a show of hopeless ambition, or in my case, fate-sealing insanity, we all went along with her to see what was on offer.

The nurse I saw was a woman called Mrs Cuthbert, who from then on I christened Captain Cuthbert, the soft voiced anti-pregnancy pirate. What Captain Cuthbert introduced me to, on that hot summer afternoon in 1999, was the veritable cache of poetry hidden in the names of female contraception – cileste, minesse, microgynon.

Of course, female contraception sounds like everything - rap stars, toilet cleaners, fabric manufacturers – but female contraception. So, here is my quick glossary of what those pill names really mean.

Yasmin – The raven-haired beauty who stole your heart on a 1995 French exchange trip to Dieppe.

Implamon – A lost Human League single. Implamon failed to achieve national release after Phil Oakey lost the demo in the great hairspray inflagration of his two bedroom house in Sheffield in 1977.

Cerazette – An extremely potent Moroccan cigar, containing about 70% gaurana, 20% cocaine and 10% tobacco.

Dianette – The extendable metal pole on which you hang net curtains.

Myrena – The call of the sentry meercat to alert others of danger. i.e the meercat let out a blood curdling myrena, at the approach of David Attenborough, as he whispered sinister, yet seductive commentary to the 15-strong camera crew.

Cilest – A late 80s girl band from Croydon. Their highest charting hit was the 1987 single ‘You give me acne ne ne ne’.

Marvelon – If you’ve ever holidayed in Southern Spain, you may have caught the game show ‘Marvelon’ on the Andalusian cable channel, ‘Crapos’. The aim of the game is to hit eager puppies with foam mallets when they pop their heads out of a big plastic kennel. Every time a contestant makes a successful blow, the presenter (a mahogany coloured slime ball by the name of Trojan) shouts of ‘marvelon’ and a troupe of dancing girls gig across the screen.

Levonelle – A citrus scented kitchen cleaner.

Depo – A fat, weeping tellytubby, who swings between bouts of hormonal depression and debilitating acne.

Micronor – Micronor are a very successful Canadian manufacturer of waterproof clothing and camping gear. Their patented ‘eeazy weave’ fabric revolutionised high altitude striding.

Ovranette – The British rapper Ovranette was dropped from the British music act ‘Mel and Kim’ because Stock, Aitken and Watermen were worried her fierce anarchist politics may compromise the band’s commercial potential.

Depo – NASA slang for the anti-gravity toilets fitted to most space shuttles.

Nova T – An Aloe Vera drink that can supposedly cure erectile dysfunction.

Brevinor – The immensely expensive but microscopic part of a car engine that gives off loud and fairly random clunks, clangs and drones, that any mechanic will be unable to locate, but charge you for anyway.

Mercilon – A nerve tonic, developed to help local radio DJs cope with ‘Duffy’-fatigue.

Noriday – The Noriday Treaty was drawn up by the executive committee of the British Lawn Tennis Association. It’s main tenets are that Cliff Richard will never, ever, sing at centre court again and that Sue Barker must have at least three cosmetic surgery procedures per year.

Femodene – An intimate wipe.

Logynon – Logynon was the valiant hero of the Norse epic ‘Logynon and the Host of Terriers’.

Minulet – An 18th Century musical term meaning ‘five part musical composition to be played quickly and quietly, under the duvet’.

Minesse - To minesse, i.e. to kiss someone without actually making contact with the area intended. Classic examples of minessing are kissing someone’s earlobe after they turn to see what’s happening behind them, giving someone a peck on the chin, or accidentally kissing your old boss on the mouth, because you both went the same direction.